Wednesday, August 20, 2014

lost in translation

We're a non fancy single-lingual family, but half the time the kids no hablo human.

Rad's still pretty much exclusively in the grunt and beat chest camp and Rhett's got the attention span of a very cute squirrel, which means we repeat ourselves mucho times...with .2% comprehension.

I'll take it.

Some gems they've dropped on our drums as of late...that we really can't follow/understand/even have a clue what they are talking about.

Trying to follow Rhett's story line for his toys when we play together:

Rhett: I'm going to Jesus because I'm an old ninja turtle.

Rhett: You have to carry the baby dragons and get them married?
Julia: Where?
Rhett: Under the dragon's belly!

Rhett: Blue ninja we have to check killing the blue whale off the list!

The most frustrating daily, hourly, any time we leave the house, conversation:

Julia: Where did the sandal go?
Rad: Stare
Rhett: Hmmm where DID that sandal go? Hmm...
Rad: Stare
Julia: I just had the sandal ... seriously ... did one of you take it?
Rhett: No! I didn't take that sandal!!! Maybe the dog took it! (We don't have a dog.)
Rad: Grunting and mad that we stopped moving 3 steps into the sojourn.
Julia: Fine, I'll go find another pair
Rhett: Okay, that sounds good.

Idioms, pop culture sayings - all lost on 4 year old ears:

Jake: Is this cool or what?!
Rhett: Or what..?

Rhett's idea of what DJ Snake and Lil Jon are singing (...yelling?) in Turn Down for What:

Rhett: Turn down the water!
Rhett: Turn down the water!

Another misheard lyric, the chorus of the song "Everybody Dance Now!"

Rhett's version: Everybody, PANTS DOWN!

Any reference to time is met with this:

Rhett: When will my friends be here?
Julia: In 20 minutes.
Rhett: OK. How many weeks is that? 

Everyone says that the reason Rad isn't talking yet (seriously, we've got "ott oh!" and "woof" and "MAMA!")  is because Rhett does all the talking for him. I'm not convinced, but he still communicates...kind off:

Rad (with a bucket of toys): (Blowing) Fffffffffff. (Puts toy down, picks up another) Fffffffffff. (Repeat X100)

He blows on his toys like they are hot food...does that count?

After Rhett stumble-tripped into our room at night: 

Jake: Did your leg fall asleep?
Rhett: Fall asleep??  Why do your legs get tired?
Jake: When the blood circulation get's cut off and your leg gets all tingly they fall asleep.
Jake: Do you feel pins and needles?
Rhett: Yeah....what are pins and needles?
Jake: Like pokeys.
Rhett: Yeah. Like pokeys from the porcupines.

Not lost in translation:

Rad giving me the chubby finger: No NO!

I was trying to take his snack away. (I got the point.)

Also contributed by Rad, and open to interpretation: 



Deep thoughts Rad. Deep thoughts.

Oh! And one more from Jake.

Watching Lord of the Rings (can you feel the love tonighttt...?):

Jake: Wait...are the speaking Spanish?
Julia: Who?
Jake: The orcs.
Jake: They're chanting "holla" right?
Julia: Are you serious?
Jake: I swear they're saying "holla"!

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Monday, August 18, 2014

so much to say, so little time part 11

Conversations with a 4 year old are fantastic.

Calling him his God given name:

Julia: Hey Rhett honey?
Rhett: No mom. Not Rhett.
Rhett: Call me Jazzy Joy-ya.

Following a pouf of bum air:

Rhett: (Sniffs the air) Oh man. My bum is not in a good mood.

Packing for our trip to Kentucky:

Jake: Rhett can you go get your blanket for your suitcase?
Rhett: No. I can't.
Jake: You're not being very helpful.
Rhett. I know. But I am being very cute.

Post a not sharing incident:

Julia: Because you're not sharing, you have a timeout from your toys.
Rhett: (Very enraged) Well then you have a timeout from your clothes!!!!

Dismissing myself from a BBQ dinner:

Rhett: Where are you going Mom?
Julia: I have to use the restroom.
Rhett: Well you could just pee pee on the grass.
Rhett: All the animals everywhere do it Mom.
Rhett: It would be fun!

In the car:

Rhett: Rad say car!
Rad: Dogh.
Rhett: Rad say tree!
Rad: Dogh.
Rhett: Rad say condensation!
Rad: Dogh.

Standing on the bathroom scale:

Rhett: Aww man!!!
Rhett: I'm 30 miles!!
Rhett: Deep, dramatic sigh.

Approaching the electronic sliding doors at Walmart:

Rhett: (Dramatically throws his arms up as the doors slide open) All hail the King Rhett!

A sample of the 47 exact same selfies on my phone. Indeed.

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Friday, August 15, 2014

he feels pretty, oh so pretty

Rad often falls victim to the Negligent Games, at least when it comes to one on one time. So when Rhett was at a friend's house the other morning and Rad pulled out his favorite forbidden's eye shadow, how could I say no. Number one softie right here. Sometimes. But especially when I'm a little tired. 

Happiest 18 month old of the day award goes to the little boy with eye shadow in his ear.

Clearly he displays some striking dexterity and precision here with his avant garde use of applying the shadow with a powder puff.

And 2 big points for creativity and a cheek bone that was pretty close enough, I suppose.

Maybe next time I'll let you break out the Chapstick and lip gloss big guy. :)

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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

mom shame pt 2

Like dog shame, but not really better. 

1. I  have some weird predatorphobia where I just assume that when we get back from being gone for more than a few hours that someone is in our home. This phobia gets my OCD antenna flying and I become a blood hound looking for traces of anything amiss. When we got home from Kentucky I was putting my things away and I noticed something amiss! Call Sherlock Holmes because I was missing one heel from two different pairs and there was some dirt on our bathroom floor that I knew I could not have overlooked on the way out. The preadatorphobia kicked into full neurotic swing and rather hysterically I told Jake the situation and insisted he search the house. Some teenagers and snuck in and stolen 1 heel from 2 different pairs, I was full nelson convinced. (Yes it takes a special breed of saint to be married to this neurotic nut.) And does one call the police for something like that? "Yes officer, someone has stolen a shoe. Actually two shoes. No, no officer I am not intoxicated." And then low and behold I found the shoes. In the laundry basket...under some dirty clothes. This unnecessary hysteria brought to you by Rhett and/or Rad. Although I'm inclined to blame the latter.   

2. The whole shopping trip Rhett insisted he had a baby in his tummy. Looks more like a 32D to me.... #itsanorange

3. If it makes you happy Rad then please continue to hoard food in your chipmunk cheeks. And food from the grocery store floor. I'm 110% convincing myself that the floor is uber clean. Don't tell me otherwise because if you're a parental unit you know that ignorance is bliss. Bliss.

4. If you leave a pot of water boiling on the stove long enough it will eventually evaporate and FILL the house with smoke. I mean - I knew this but now I KNOW it. You know? And really though who burns water? Oh wait. Let me raise my hand. 

5. So that little black dot on the phone? THAT'S THE BLOODY CAMERA!! Revelation central over here. I've never ever ever known where to look for selfies or any pictures in general resulting in some pictures like this:

Slight lazy eye accompanied by the gaze into the unknown. Welcome to 2014 Ms Miller. So glad so finally made it. With 4ish months to spare. 

6. Playing 99 rounds of hide-and-seek without stopping for a single solitary breather and is, you know, fun. 

It went something like this: 

Julia: Okay I'm going to hide while you count to ten
Rhett: OK!
Julia: And no cheating.
Rhett: Well, what if I just want to cheat a little bit?

So after 98 rounds of cheating and hiding in plain sight, I was actually 100% truly stumped as to where Captain Usually Obvious was. After much searching he finally revealed himself...wedged into the play kitchen with the bowl on his head. Well played Rhett. Well played. I walked right by you over and over again. 

And mom shame part 1 if you guys some minutes to kill.
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Monday, August 11, 2014

weekend-y things

Once upon a time before Jake and I became parents and were still in school wearing our cute (ironed no less!) clothes and "working" downright delightful hours (why why why I did not appreciate those years then...I'll forever be kicking myself) I would look at our friends who had children and would have a hard time believing that their weekends weren't as relaxing or fun as ours were. I also thought it was a little melodramatic when one couple called a weekend in which they and their spouse got to go on a date a "golden weekend." Don't worry, the truth has set me free and shown me the error in my former judgments. Golden weekend? Let's try platinum, diamond encrusted, dunked in a half priced Sonic shake weekend -that might start to cover the awesome that is a weekend that we get to enjoy family naps, date night and where everyone is truly (or faking) being happy, content and not bored.

And low and behold this past weekend we had a really dang-good-not-quite-golden-weekend and I feel like I should probably at least touch on the these nice times lest you think it's all doom, gloom, and stew like an angry bird around here.

So let's share some grainy evidence of our weekend.

- We went on some walks.

- All the Miller's not named Julia got haircuts.

- Rad slammed his finger in the door to the upstairs (and there was blood so I ran away) and Jake convinced me that he had severed her finger off completely (not funny then, not funny now).

- On the plus side of the finger event, Rad slept 7 hours during the day and still managed to sleep 7 hours plus during the night.  I resolved to not to put much stock into that ever happening again much less on a weekend.

- And one more about Rad (possibly favorite child of the weekend according to this list) organized the fridge.

- We endured some minutes in the Target toy aisle.

- We deep cleaned the cars. Rad's eyes didn't relax for an hour afterward. Neither did mine. I heart me a clean car.

- We inhaled allllll of the delicious cookies made by elves who live in a tree and go by the name of Keebler in one family sitting.

- We went to the gym. Twice. (Curse those cookies!) For approximately 19 minutes and almost suffered a painful death by mortification. Twice.

- Rhett scaled 3 and 3/4 feet of indoor rock wall. Because 4 feet was too high for Sir Brave-a-lot.

 - Jake played football and soccer with Davy Crocket.

- The notorious R.H.E.T.T learned the art of duck lips while waiting for his milk shake at Sonic.

- I got a girl's night too complete with shoving 4 Texas Road House rolls in my mouth. One at a time of course, I am nothing if not a classy lady.

- Jake got a boy's night and saw Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He even managed to sneak all his candy in sans my purse. (Don't tell him, but he looked a little bottom heavy and made a subtle crinkle when he walked.)

- And I wore my wedding dress at church with my fellow YW leaders because the lesson was on temple marriage. Go big, go home, or look ridiculous while trying. (Me being the ridiculous looking one. Not the other beauties next to me.)

And we did lots of other things that I won't list in case you've got something urgent to go do. And I really hope you do. :) 
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Friday, August 8, 2014

dry heat

When you're stewing in your own sweaty juices (literally or figuratively which ever seems least gross to you) by 8:10 every single morning you start to think that the only option to stay cool is to linger in front of the open freezer all day. 

But it's a little crowded, all 3 of us in front of the go outside and live it up poolside until lunch and naps most mornings. I try to stretch the fun-ness out as lonnnggg as possible because inevitability Rhett will start to not-so-subtly hint that he's not buying my hype about our luxurious blow up pool. Either he wants to go to the "fountains" or the "swim lessons pool" and he'll only ask 1352 times in a 6 hour time frame.

So this week I tried to seize the fun mom thing. (Yes, I enjoy setting myself up for failure.) I decided to finally follow through on a promise made tens of times to Rhett that "we'd go to the fountains tomorrow." Why? I don't know. Guilt complex finally kicked in? 

Here's the thing. Going to the pool is not just an outing it's an epic event. When people with small children say something along the simple lines of, "and then I got the kids dressed" what they really mean is, "and then I spent 57 minutes issuing threats, hunting down items of clothing that haven't fallen victim to slobber dribbles or yesterdays snacks and taking gambles on whether I think the diapers can handle another few hours of wear." So when you add getting all the pool/sun stuff ready to the mathematical equation, it becomes Isaac Newton certified. And it always seems to take longer to get ready then we spend at the oasis. So color me hesitant to stray too far from the front door some days. 

But once we make it out the door and the "sunscream" is applied everyone is a happy camper. 

I'm not sure where Rad's bathing suit is...

Rad is in the middle of summer splash pad puppy love. He always drinks enough to satisfy a camel or get leprosy. Whichever comes first. When he's not busy sitting on a jet of water he's busy being the resident life guard, patrolling the pad with a very serious bottom lip. 

And below you will witness what Rhett does dozens of times over and over and over. Does it get old you ask? Not for him...

Belly flops all the live long pool session. 

Oh I was there too. Anyone want to challenge me to a pasty leg competition? No takers? I thought I might win that one. 

I'm hoping all this fun will launch me into the running for Mother of the Century...and beyond. But let's be honest, I'd be happy with just a gold star. 

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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

how to party like you were born in 2010

What harebrained parent came up with throwing birthday parties for their kids? And who was the second harebrained parent that created the first Pinterest birthday board? Because they should have known that I'm a lost sheep in a world of amazing parents so I tend to follow the herd, crazy Pinterest schemes and all. Truthfully I half expected a live pony complete with premade Pinterest approved birthday party for Rhett waiting for us if I simply day dreamed hard enough about's didn't happen this year...but I'll never quit dreaming. Till then it's just me and all the creativity in my little finger. 

I mean don't these pictures make you want to pin them 1000X times over? I know. It's stellar.  

Homemade birthday signs with limited marker choice and super limited artistic skills. We love you Rhett!!!

^^^I'll skip the commentary on the next slew of pictures, but Rhett groaned and strained with the wrapping paper like he was trying to open a jar of spaghetti sauce. It's so hard to open presents. The woes of being the birthday boy.

^^^ I lied, one more unnecessary comment. We hung streamers at the bottom of the stairs and Rad sat their for a LONNNGGG time going down one step and then back up, then back down one step totally unsure if he could go through them. Only 18 months and already bordering on the cusp of genius. 

^^^Rhett wasn't into stopping the party shenanigans for a picture with those who gave him life. 

This year we felt that we could handle the party people without having their parents there so we thought taking everyone to an indoor trampoline place and McDonalds seemed way easier than having our home taken over by 4 year olds. We're brave, but not the Braveheart kind of brave. 

I failed to get any McDonald's pictures. It was a boarder line frenzy trying to get everyone's orders and managing the excitement known has the Happy Meal Toy. 

We came home for cupcakes and presents. Rhett was dead set on purple frosting (what do you mean most four year old boys don't want neon purple cupcakes...?) so we delivered. 

I felt a little bit guilty about this party because it didn't require any overly large demonstrations of love via elaborate decorations and cute snacks. I felt like it but me in the slacker mom category. But really Rhett was thrilllllled with everything from jumping all morning to the number of sprinkles of his cupcake. So maybe fine, still slackers this year, but slackers full of good intentions and a dash of love for a certain 4 year old. :)
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