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Hi Julia, my name is Katelynne by chance I stumbled upon your blog by insomnia surfing at 2 am, I too am a mother of 2 precious boys-Brayden age 5 and Kholson age 2.Im not a blog reader but surprisingly couldnt close my laptop when I started reading yours. Your posts kept a continuous smile on my face, your humor towards motherhood is seemingly similar to my own. I applaud your parenting and your children are truly blessed to have you as their mother. Right now I am going through some issues of my own, looking over your blog has given me encouragement and a sense of drive that I have somehow lost. Currently my children are staying with their father and grandmother because I have a case of absolutely debilitating depression. This arrangement was only supposed to last about a week or two...just enough time to have some alone time and attempt to sort out what exactly is causing me to have such a lack of life...but its now been about a month and a half and still my babies have not returned. Anyone that knows my situation is probably looking down on me whispering what a piece of crap parent I am but I know that is not true. I felt that it was not doing my boys any good watching mommy so miserable. I cannot move from the couch and if God forbid I do...its just to the bed, I want so badly for my children to be home with me but I refuse to drag them through this anymore than i already have until I know I am healthy and contributing to them as the mommy they once knew. I have no idea how to get out of this funk day in and day out I just sleep my lust for life is definitely lacking. My drive for happiness, reaching goals, KEEPING A CLEAN House is no where to be found. The really sad part about this situation is I know that I am a good mom, I always prided myself on how well I took care of my kids being a single young mother of two. I always did the fun stuff with the boys...I was the mom that didnt freak out when they had paint or had playdough out of the tub...and then all of the sudden it was like my life was just sucked completely out of me. I am on medication...have been for over a year now-for awhile I was doing better and then progressively became the mother everyone else talks about. Im not sure why I am even sharing any of this with you or why I feel like you might have some helpful words..I apologize for my shocking openenss but hey what can it hurt? I love my kids and Im ready for them to come home so badly (I visit them everyday at their grandmas but OF COURSE IT IS NOT THE SAME). I just refuse to have them in this environment when I know I am not capable of fully meeting their needs in the condition that im in. I lay here and daydream about everything being back to normal. Ive had numerous failed attempts at dragging myself off the couch and forcing myself to be supermommy again...just to find myself drained, depressed and flat lined back on the couch. I also have strong faith in God but through all of this our relationship seems so distant. Im so lost and want my life, my kids back home. Have you ever had a similar experience,,,or have a clue what may help me. Im desperate. Anyways enough of that, I hope to hear back from you. Your family is beautiful and you are doing a wonderful job. Im sure your blog has inspired many others as it has myself. Thanks!
Hi Katelynne :) First of all you are so sweet and it's a true testament to your character and soul that even in during a really difficult time you can lift someones' (mine :)) spirit. Really, truly thank you for your comment on my boys. :)I know what you're going through is so hard. It really can seem impossible to do the smallest things. I'm so proud of you for making difficult choices about your family and for staying close to your faith. You are incredibly selfless and your boys will always love you for making such a great effort to bless their lives. I spent about 3 weeks total over a period of time in a mental health ward at the hospital when my depression was the worst. It was so hard to feel like I had abandoned my family. It broke my heart. But ultimately it was the best thing I had ever done. A short time of you getting the help you need is better than years of just feeling like you're hardly making it. The biggest lesson I've learned is that you only have to be good enough, you don't have to be perfect. If good enough is giving 1% then that's awesome. If good enough is taking a shower, unloading half the dishwasher and going to see your boys then that's awesome. :) I beat myself up all the time about being a good enough mom; about being there for my boys, for teaching them their ABCs and how to read and doing cool projects with them. But I've realized that I need to set my own standards for being a good mom. Not what pinterest or a news article or my neighborhood mom's group tells me is good. So for me, good enough means spending an hour and a half to two hours of one on one time with my boys over the course of the day. In that time we go outside for awhile, play or wrestle, read some books, eat a meal together, snuggle, color or whatever they want. Sometimes it's just for 5 minute increments and sometimes it's longer. And we try to get out of the house and go some place even if that just means Target or to get French Fries from the drive through. If I do that, then I consider the day a success. Even if they just watch Netflix I've done my best. Some days are better than others and we do a lot of fun stuff like you said you do. But some days that's not possible for whatever reason, but I refuse to beat myself up for what I DIDN'T do but chose to celebrate what I did do. And if it's a day that none of that happens I just try to make sure when we tuck them in a night that we giggle a little. If they go to bed happy then that's all that matters some days. :)This will get better, I promise. Have you tried talk therapy? If you're insurance doesn't cover it a lot of hospitals over group therapy or talk sessions for women with depression. I've done those groups before and they've been really helpful just to know I have a support group. Also I love these articles. I'm Mormon and they are from one of the apostles Jeffery R Holland. He's one of my favorite speakers and I just thought they might be something that might help. My hearts breaks for you because I know how hard this is. Love you! And please email me any time. :) firstname.lastname@example.orgLike a Broken Vesselhttps://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=engBroken Things to Mendhttps://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/04/broken-things-to-mend?lang=engLook to God and Livehttps://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/look-to-god-and-live?lang=eng
I really appreciate all of your thoughts and comments! They bring a smile to my face!