Struggling

If I ever learn to cross stitch, I'm making a pillow that says "Being a Human is Freaking Hard."

It'll go right next to the pillow that says "We consider cupcakes a breakfast food."

The medications I'm on for my bone infection give me symptoms similar to those of chemo.

My bones and joints ache to the point that I haven't been to get out of bed. Or even role over without help. And if I do get out of bed poor husband needs to help me hobble around.

I'm exhausted after 20 minutes of any activity.

My neck glands are so swollen that swallowing is really difficult.

Nausea and throwing up. Check. Everyday.

Dry mouth, chills, night sweats, difficulty breathing, constant low grade fever. Check, check, check, check.

The antibiotics kill my kidneys so I'll let you figure out what that means.

I've honestly never been in as much physical pain as I have been for the past 2 weeks and I really don't know how I can do 4 more of this.

I've been trying to tell myself that I shouldn't feel bad for myself. That there are people who have it much worse than I do. Which is true.

But then I thought about what I would say to someone who was in my place if roles were flipped. I wouldn't say "Suck it up. Deal with it. Don't complain, there are people who have it worse." I would say "It's going to be OK. Take it easy. I know this is really hard, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this."

But it's ridiculously hard to say that to myself.

So truthfully I am really struggling right now. This is hard and it bites and I can't help but cry sometimes because this is exactly how I didn't want our year to start. We spent so much of 2013 at various doctors and we finally got our massive medical bills from that taken care of, only to start 2014 with almost daily doctor visits and I'm more than sure I've hit my deductible for 2014. Already.  And remember how I said my goal for 2014 was confidence? Well I know it will sound shallow, but I do get a lot of my confidence from being able to take care of my family. From being on top of things. From finishing projects and playing with my boys. I cringe with guilt every time we need to get a sitter. And now I have a hard time making it down stairs more than once a day. I was so looking forward to the plans we made for our family in 2014 and now everything is on hold. I know this will get better, but sometimes the darkest hour is just before dawn.

I know I need to give myself a break if for no other reason other than I don't have the energy to fight it.

So.

This is kicking my butt hard. I'm hoping the good that comes out of admitting that is something along the lines of humility because I have a feeling that's something I really could learn from this.

And I cannot thank those of you enough who have served our family. By watching our boys. By sending us dinner. By sending us texts and emails and phone calls. For the prayers and good thoughts.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You guys rock.