Last week(s) I was in a spirally funk. Stay at home mom depression? No. Just the subconscious dread and fear and dread and anxiety and dread that gives me cuticle chewing anxiety for a week and exhausting PTSD for a month. After I have one panic attack, no matter how minor it is, it's hard to get out of that loop. The circle of the anxious life.
It's been like my outsides are collapsing on my insides and my insides are about to burst out of my outsides. I'm sure that's a the formula for spontaneous combustion 101. Or how a blow fish must feel.
Blow fish I feel your pain.
But really. I'm super frustrated about all this joyful rise of emotions. Because really, what do I have to be so anxious about? (Rad's tantrums, Rad's running away like he's trying to find Neverland, Rhett's attempts at public nudity, how we forgot to take the garbage to the curb and it stinks to high hog heaven...) Life is pretty much decent if not really good. I just keep (not exaggerating) losing my marbles about small potatoes.
My silent but almost deadly morning long anxiety attack about getting all two kids in the car and to preschool drop-off without any major hiccups was all for nothing. All of Rhett's limbs stayed in the car, Rad stared off into the abyss of Arizona desert, and Katy Perry was all over the radio. But if you had seen me before the short 15 minute drive you would have thought that the walking dead were trying to take Rhett to preschool. I know...woe is me. Not woe to those who have legitimate struggles.
So let's keep the train of lame emotional issues rolling, rolling, rolling.
And then, you'd never believe this, so hold on to your seats and whatever beverage you're drinking because our pavers for our backyard got lost in translation between the store and delivery and didn't come in on the scheduled day. The HOROR! Any normal person would let it go, let it go, and maybe turn their back and slam the door...and leave it at that. But I'm not a Disney princess so I just melt into a pool of anxiety and obsess about how it's not working out like planned. And all my functionality goes flat.
The worst part is how this is affecting my boys. I think of their confusion when I snap for their small inconsequential mistakes. I hear myself apologize for the third time in an hour because I feel beyond overwhelmed and anxious. As much as possible I don't want my cray cray to spread because I'm not doing everything I can to fix it.
The thing is I've done the anti anxiety medication before and I know it helps, but I'm reeling at the idea of possibly needing a pill to help me be normal because I've worked dang hard to learn how to work through anxiety and triggers and I feel like going back to medication is discrediting the progress I've made.
Today might be better...or it might be worse (pretty please no no no no no no no no) but there are nice moments to get me through. I know that life really is very good. The worst part about anxiety and/or depression is it makes it really hard to feel peace be it spiritual, physical, emotional so especially when you need the peace it's hard to access simply because your mind and body can't process it. You're too overwhelmed with other crap to have any peace stay. I don't talk about my faith much, but this recent and semi-constant battle wears at it sometimes. (If you don't want to read another sentence or two about my churchy faith stuff you can skip ahead, or you know where the nearest exit is. It looks a little something like...X.) But anyway in a nutshell when I feel myself wavering the most, I remember when the Savior was in the Garden of Gethsemane atoning for us and experiencing sorrow and pain (both physical and emotional) and grief and even He felt totally alone wondering where God was. I try to remember that in my lowest moments that it's not that I'm not being heard or loved or helped, it's that the anxiety and depression sometimes block the ability to feel it for the moment.
And so...I didn't set out to write a downer of a rambler post but I can feel it in my currently melancholic insides that this just might qualify. If you're still reading I totally apologize. Let me know if I've added any extra woe to your day and I'll mail you something with a proven track record for a sugar high to boost you up.
Annnd next time I post I promise it'll be happier. With rose colored glasses, happy emoticons and all.