Wednesday, July 30, 2014

the flight(s) that adventure built

A few weeks ago we flew to my native land (Kentucky) and I was super excited, but accompanying that excitement was a small to medium wave of pure terror because of Rad stinking Miller. I was pretty sure Rhett would be okay because he's sort of out of the restless body syndrome, but Rad is not and he is a large boy and once he starts flailing and your teeth that you happen to like.

So after the 1001st emotional meltdown because his blankets touched Rad or Rad looked at his blankets or I didn't let Rad put toys down my shirt, I popped open some fancy dollar store toys told them to please figure it out. 

Several minutes later we some how ended up with this seating arrangement.

The lap child gets a chair and the adult get's the crack between the chairs. 

But hey it kept the peace! On an airplane I will do almost anything to keep everyone happy. Try me. 

We were smarty pants and got a direct flight from Phoenix to Louisville. All in all it was a great flight, really, truly, the boys did great. As mentioned above, we weren't above bribery and had picked up a few toys from the dollar store that we brought out over the 3:30 hour flight. It was my genius moment for the year. I won't have another one till 2015.

As we were doing the final descent I was feeling pretty darn good. We were happy, we hadn't had to breakout the extra clothes and the people around us seemed content or they were doing an awesome job of faking it.

Rad could sense that the trip had gone too smoothly. Too smoothly.

WHAT IS ......



No, please no.

No no no no no no no no no.

But YES.

It was precisely that...a diaper malfunction.

That just kept coming

And coming

And coming.

Try yelling "you're peeing on me, you're peeing on me!" on a plane and see how many people turn around and stare. (Hint: A lot.) looked like I peed MY pants. #shame.

Because we were literally 10 minutes from touching down, we only managed to get a new diaper, sans pants, on Rad and mop up the puddle that had collected under my leg on my seat.

When we finally got off the plane we opted to just book it to baggage claim rather than navigate the over flowing restroom by our gate. Looking back it's pretty funky that I opted to wear the super soaked jeans over changing, but the priority was more on grabbing the rental car and letting the boys take their long over due naps. We'll call it taking one for the team, makes it sound a little better.

And then the line for the rental car was about 10 people more than 2. Cavalierly I opted to take the boys and get all 6 bags (over packers me....) by myself while Jake waited in line for the car. Thankfully the boys stayed close while the crowd went into Lord of the Flies mentality looking for their bags. You know how it is. Everyone is anxiously sidestepping, ever so discreetly inching and cutting in for the prime baggage claim location, right where the suitcase comes out.

Once I had collected all the bags, the boys were finished with staying close and began to run. Really I don't blame them...I wanted to run away too. Jake had progressed a smidgen closer to the counter so it became a race of me preventing the escalator emergency stop button from being pushed (Rad) and other people's suitcases from being taken off the other baggage claim belts (Rhett). All while making sure TSA didn't mistake our unattended bags as suspicious and malicious.

Then the blessed event occurred, we got the keys to the car. So long airport, it's was real and it was fun, but it wasn't real fun.

(More to come on the actual trip in another post. I know, I know you can hardly stand to wait. I feel the same way when I'm waiting for my Instagram to load.)

So we had a great time with my family and after a week packed up all 6 bags and headed back to the airport. I'm sure TSA was thrilled to see us and our numerous sippy cups and bottles of milk. Just keeping you on your toes officer. But! I would be remiss if I didn't give mention to the amazing TSA people who let us go through the (much shorter) family line and who didn't bat and eye when Rhett hesitatingly started to take his shirt off before passing through the security scanner. Mucho mucho gracias friends.

Our flight from Chicago to Phoenix was completely full which meant that Rad had to be an actual lap child on my lap again. To say it couldn't have gone worse is the understatement of my life because he was the stereotypical hellion that all passengers boarding flights with children tend to hate. In his defense to say he was over tired would be the second understatement of my life.  

  • pitched fits in the aisle 
  • threw my phone down 78 times 
  • threw the open bag of pretzels down 79 times 
  • creepily stroked the gentleman in front of us balding head 

  • even went in for a hairy head kiss before Mean Mom swooped in
  • refused to even think of taking a nap
  • also ate a decent part of a tube of Chapstick while his parental figures watched. Thoughts of possibly needing to call Poison Control don't happen when you're trapped 3 miles above the ground in cylindrical tube with 114 people who you know loath the night your offspring was conceived. 

He also
  • screamed for "mama!!!!" when Jake held him and then screamed for "dada!!!!!" when I held him/pinned him to my person against his will
Rhett did pretty well once we learned if we lowered the trays and put a blanket over them that he would contently lay on the floor in his "fort" and play with our phones or toys. And the flight got much better after the soon to be sainted people behind us started to play peek-a-boo with Rad. Bless their children loving heart's they really were an in-flight game changer. 

We landed in the blessed, 115 degree desert and both boys passed out after being in the car for 3 seconds thus proving our crazy theory that not-quite-two-year-olds and not-quite-four-year-olds do still REALLY need naps to survive the elements.

And that parents need a private jet to survive a cross country flight. Wishful thinking at it's finest.
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Monday, July 28, 2014

I smell an Oscar

Just another edition of: Things Parents Think Are Amusing Enough To Share With The Surely Unamused Internet


I just had to publish this to prove that my kids are relatively cute and that we do nothing stellar on a day to day basis. 

Oh and to make my mom and sister happy. (Hi Mom! Hi Jane!)

So click and behold.

If you find any of them Oscar worthy feel free to contact whoever decides those things. I'll be working on my acceptance speech. I'll be sure to thank you each and every one of you. :)

And I would've posted more than the million never overdone videos of the children than I just did, but duty calls. (Lucky you!) Rad is vigorously sucking the life out of a handful of baby wipes so I need to go rescue all involved parties and deep clean the bathroom with the survivors. 

Oh, happy Monday. Maybe I should record it...

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Thursday, July 24, 2014

when 217 girls go camping

 I have a luh-hot to blog today. Buckle UP. 

Remember when I told you that we (I) am not the happiest of camping campers because of bugs aka creepy bugs aka bugs who want to snuggle in your sleeping bag? Well...bugs be darned I went camping. Are you still on the edge of your seat? I knew it.

Well, sit back and relax. I survived. Barely after hearing this stat, be it myth or a terrifying truth. 

At church I get to work the the 12-18 year old girls and every year all the local congregations get all the girls together for a 4 day camp fest. 

I was actually very excited to go because a. I love love love these girls and b. I was excited to get a little time from my bouncing boys. Here's the thing. 12-18 year old girls bounce just has much as toddlers. They be cray cray in nature. Too much fresh air? Possibly. 

We call it Girl's Camp (duh) and it's an amazing combination of fun and spiritual. Lots of singing and chanting ridiculous songs* (form the orange, form form the orange!), dance parties, skit night, games, hikes, incredible food (really!) and lots of midnight laughing. 

On the more spiritual side the theme for this year was securely anchored in Christ, our covenants and our testimonies. I felt incredibly blessed to have some personal sweet moments where I remembered how much I need and love the Savior. It's good to be reminded that without Him I'm nothing, but with Him I can be everything I know God wants me to be. 

And my guilt complex is telling me that I should admit we were in cabins with electricity, running water, real toilets and I brought my blow dryer and straightener. Saying I "survived" seems a little ludicrous.


This blurry, grainy picture of some horrible form of beetle shows that we did have to deal with some terrifying situations. Like when one crawls into your toilet stall mid potty break. 

And a few videos. 

So in conclusion, I adore these girls, I love the spirit of unadulterated fun at Girl's Camp, I like camping, but I hate the bugs. 

(And I think we got maybe 15 hours of sleep over 3 nights. Chubby bunny and initiating people to the Ooga Booga club takes time and can only be done at midnight. Camp rules.)

*I'm seriously tempted to record my 2 favorite cheers/songs so that we can all have them stuck in our heads. Yes? No? We'll see. 

**That skunk was totally dead and taxidermied but it had all 217 of us fooled and heading for the hills. For like 15 minutes. OK 30. 

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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

the fun down

a post that was supposed to be posted but I failed to post. 

Is it 100+ degrees where you live too? I'll be careful not to complain because I will take the heat wrath and it's how-little-clothing-can-I-get-away-with? issues over cold-rainey-can-I-wear-a-blanket-24/7? weather. But still. If it's such a "dry heat" why the heck do I sweat so much?

I went into the summer with the boys having nothing but a few weeks of swimming lessons scheduled. I was going for the brave, unscheduled, hippy mom thing but let's face it that's not me. And even though I didn't want to be the Carnival Cruise director, Pinterest convinced me that we needed a a summer of fun list this year. You know what I'm talking about, the chunky framed chalkboard with cute fonts in different colors with all the things the family wants to do that summer list.  Well I'm fresh out of chunky frames (don't worry I put them on the shopping list filed under necessities. Right below Swedish Fish and right above eggs.) so after sitting down with the boys and hearing their (Rhett's) slightly bizarre ideas I just typed up my own list. I mean kid's just wanna have fun, but momma also wants to have fun, and Rhett's suggestion of playing sloth (yes we're still on that kick) in the pool was something I felt passionately against. Sorry. House rules win.

But lest you think I'm Kim Jong Mom I did include some of their suggestions.
  • Make cupcakes
  • Go to the pool once a week
  • Sparklers
  • Summer backyard party with friends
  • Go camping
  • Family stay-cation
  • Water gun fights
  • Finger paint
  • Vist Mesa Children's Museum
  • Summer reading program
  • Go to splash pads
  • Make pinewood derby cars
  • Summer movie program
  • Visit Sweeties candy shop
  • Have a picnic at the park.
  • Water ballon target practice
  • Make and fly kites
  • Hike the local state park
  • Go to the zoo ('s too hot.)
We've done a handful of these so far.
  • Make cupcakes
  • Go to the pool once a week
  • Sparklers
  • Summer backyard party with friends
  • Go camping
  • Family stay-cation
  • Water gun fights
  • Finger paint
  • Vist Mesa Children's Museum
  • Summer reading program
  • Go to splash pads
  • Make pinewood derby cars
  • Summer movie program
  • Visit Sweeties candy shop
  • Have a picnic at the park.
  • Water ballon target practice
  • Make and fly kites
  • Hike the local state park
  • Go to the zoo

Fear of drowning in 2 in of water vs. drinking possibly unsanitary 2 in of water.
Obviously some of them like the pool/splash pads, summer reading program and the movie program we're in the middle of right now. Our local library had a rather ridiculous (in my opinion) reading program. It was the same for all ages and it was 1000 minutes. I may have guffawed a little when the librarian told me that. 1000 minutes is like 300 Netflix episodes of Rescue Bots. So we just made a sticker chart for Rhett and for every 20 books he reads or that we read to him, he gets a toy from the dollar store.  Love the dollar store. 

I'm still getting used to the fact that where we live, traditional summer activities like bike rides are really done in the non summer months. It might win me the lame mom of the day award, but I'm not riding bikes to Sonic for happy hour when it's 115 out. But we sure do when it's 85 in December. :)

And now it's time to reapply the good ol deodorant and change my shirt for the 3rd time since 10AM. Can you smell my BO through the internet? Sincerest apologies.

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Wednesday, July 2, 2014

so much to say, so little time 10

Conversations with a 3 year old are pretty fantastic.

Rhett brings me this: 

Rhett: Who is this mom?
Julia: That's Mr Monopoly.
Rhett: Oh yeah I know him.
Rhett: He's from Africa.

Running up behind Jake on a walk:

Rhett: cupping his hands arounds Jake's backside What a CUTE little tuchas!!

Throwing back a tall, sippy of milk:

Rhett: When I don't want a sweaty bum I just drink a lot of milk.
Julia: Sage advice Rhett, very sage. 

Giving the 2 minute we're leaving the library warning:

Julia: Hey buddy, 2 minutes till we go.
Rhett: Mom, we have two choices. Stay 10 minutes or stay 15 minutes. Not 2.
Julia: 2 minutes dude.
Rhett: I don't like you Mom.
Rhett: I'm going to break your heart.

Mr. Grumpy pants, post nap:

Rhett: If I have to share, I'm going to quit my job!

The other morning:

Rhett: Rub Captain America's feet. He's got two of them.
Rhett: Please.

Driving in the car and listening to the radio:

Rhett: Look, Mom! Rad is grooving!
Rad: (Indeed, he was grooving)

After I scolded him for biting Rad's arm:

Rhett: Hey, Mom...
Julia: Yes?
Rhett: Why don't you just be happy?

Getting in the car:

Julia: Wooo the car smells funny. Why does the car smell funny Rhett?
Rhett: I don't know Julia. Why DOES the car smell funny? (said with so. much. attitude.)

Watching me shimmy and jump into a pair of Target spanx: 

Rhett: Oh mom, is that my wonderwear (underwear)?
Julia: Leave.

Smelling something foul:

Julia: Rad why'd you poop again?
Rhett: Cause it's his job.

While checking out of the gym day care and chatting with one of the workers:

Rhett: It's almost my birthday.
Worker: And how old are you going to be?
Rhett: Twenty.

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