Wednesday, August 13, 2014

mom shame pt 2

Like dog shame, but not really better. 

1. I  have some weird predatorphobia where I just assume that when we get back from being gone for more than a few hours that someone is in our home. This phobia gets my OCD antenna flying and I become a blood hound looking for traces of anything amiss. When we got home from Kentucky I was putting my things away and I noticed something amiss! Call Sherlock Holmes because I was missing one heel from two different pairs and there was some dirt on our bathroom floor that I knew I could not have overlooked on the way out. The preadatorphobia kicked into full neurotic swing and rather hysterically I told Jake the situation and insisted he search the house. Some teenagers and snuck in and stolen 1 heel from 2 different pairs, I was full nelson convinced. (Yes it takes a special breed of saint to be married to this neurotic nut.) And does one call the police for something like that? "Yes officer, someone has stolen a shoe. Actually two shoes. No, no officer I am not intoxicated." And then low and behold I found the shoes. In the laundry basket...under some dirty clothes. This unnecessary hysteria brought to you by Rhett and/or Rad. Although I'm inclined to blame the latter.   

2. The whole shopping trip Rhett insisted he had a baby in his tummy. Looks more like a 32D to me.... #itsanorange

3. If it makes you happy Rad then please continue to hoard food in your chipmunk cheeks. And food from the grocery store floor. I'm 110% convincing myself that the floor is uber clean. Don't tell me otherwise because if you're a parental unit you know that ignorance is bliss. Bliss.

4. If you leave a pot of water boiling on the stove long enough it will eventually evaporate and FILL the house with smoke. I mean - I knew this but now I KNOW it. You know? And really though who burns water? Oh wait. Let me raise my hand. 

5. So that little black dot on the phone? THAT'S THE BLOODY CAMERA!! Revelation central over here. I've never ever ever known where to look for selfies or any pictures in general resulting in some pictures like this:

Slight lazy eye accompanied by the gaze into the unknown. Welcome to 2014 Ms Miller. So glad so finally made it. With 4ish months to spare. 

6. Playing 99 rounds of hide-and-seek without stopping for a single solitary breather and is, you know, fun. 

It went something like this: 

Julia: Okay I'm going to hide while you count to ten
Rhett: OK!
Julia: And no cheating.
Rhett: Well, what if I just want to cheat a little bit?

So after 98 rounds of cheating and hiding in plain sight, I was actually 100% truly stumped as to where Captain Usually Obvious was. After much searching he finally revealed himself...wedged into the play kitchen with the bowl on his head. Well played Rhett. Well played. I walked right by you over and over again. 

And mom shame part 1 if you guys some minutes to kill.
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